Having Fun With Steven

(edited this post from 4/14/2005)

I took a course at Landmark Education last week. The course helped
me realize that I haven't been having real, close relationships with
anybody including my 4-year-old son Steven.

The Monday morning after the course, I was downstairs sitting at my
computer at 7am working sharing email with friends what a good
time I had in the course. Steven came down and said, "Hi Dad!".
I said, "Hi Steven" and I kept on working without looking at him.
Then I realized he wanted to be with me. I turned around and saw
he had a ninja turtle toy in his hand. Here's how it went:

Me: "What do you have there?".

Steven: "It's my ninja turtle".

Me: "What does he do?".

Steven: "He fights bad guys" (a little more excited).

Me: "Cool. What's that thing on his belt?"

Steven: "Well, that's his sword" (more exited)"

He takes his sword and really beats the bad guys up!"
(more excited)"

When he beats them up, he really beats them up!!!"
(really excited now)

It occurred to me right then that he was really having fun WITH ME
I was having fun WITH HIM.

I realized that I had been "doing fun things" and "spending time with
Steven" with Steven. I made a commitment to have more than than.

I want to "have fun with Steven" and "be WITH Steven" in a real,
close relationship.

Ever since Steven was born, I always told myself I would be a
better dad than my dad was to me. I've spent a lot of time watching
Steven play instead of playing with him. I almost made the same
thing happen with Steven that happened with my dad and me...

Joe

Fear and the worst case scenario

I posted this at http://landmarkforum.tribe.net

I just signed today to have a new single family home built in D.C. Now, you California folks might be calling me a wimp, but I'm paying a lot for an East Coast house and it's more than a small stretch for my financial situation ...

I've taken the Landmark Forum, the Landmark Advanced Course and am currently taking the SELP. I know my Act and I know how to generate myself as a possibility. I've been generating myself as the possiblity of confidence and decisiveness (every five minutes), but I kept finding myself being "the deer in the headlights".

The story I've been living into is the worst-case-scenario: something like this: interest rates will go up and house prices will fall between the time I sign the contract and the time I move in and I will lose a pile of money. I've had to constantly remind myself that it could go the other way and I could do well instead. So today I sucked it up and just did it. I went and signed the papers.

I seem to have an inauthenticity in this area about having faith that the really big decision will go my way and not the way of the worst-case-scenario. Let's see:
I'm pretending to be confident and strong.
I'm hiding that I'm scared to death that I'm going to get taken to the cleaners in this house transaction like I did in the stock market a few years ago.
The impact on me is I've been burning a lot of energy worrying about what might happen.
The impact on my wife is she has been stressing instead of just being able to trust that I know what I'm doing.
The victory over the past is that I made this huge decision and I didn't let the past determine my future.

The possiblity I'm creating for myself and my life is the possibility of being a happy homeowner.

I'm wondering if the folks who are really successful at big things (Donald Trump, Bill Gates) are able to put aside the worst case scenario and act without fear knowing that the outcome will most likely be something between the best case scenario and the worst case scenario.

Stalking My Act II: The Act Strikes Back

Stalking My Act II: The Act Strikes Back (050307)

I wrote a story during our Landmark Advanced Class (LAC). The story
was "Stalking My Act". It was the rather good Story of how I found
my "real" Act. My Act in the LAC was "I don't need you, you're
worthless". Instead of doing my last two enrollment conversations, I
nailed down my "real" Act by getting my Story perfect. I did three
drafts of my Story and I really wanted to read it to my group. They
said "that STORY doesn't seem real", so I put it aside and continued
sharing extemporaneously. Things worked out splendidly and
powerfully by staying in the present, sharing and NOT WASTING TIME
AND ENERGY TRYING TO BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Thanks Group!

When I woke up this morning, I had a headache, a neck ache and my
sinuses were congested (The Act Strikes Back). I quickly took some
motrin and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH and did some yoga and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH to
try and stop the SUFFERING.

I realized I wasn't being who I created (Fun). I thought Sharing
might help. My headache, congestion and neck pain disappeared when I
started writing this sharing (way before the medication took
effect).

I got to a point in writing this Sharing where I wanted to express
myself more powerfully using bold and colored text. The Act put me
onto a 30 minute quest to figure out a way all of us could share in
the YahooGroup using some sort of HTML editor. While I was doing
this, my headache and neck ache started coming back. I Got "getting
the words right and keeping the Sharing going is infinitely more
important than the font of the words". Not only did this 30 minutes
impact my Sharing, it also wasted 30 minutes I could use to do
something else later today.

I think my Act is not "I don't need you, you're worthless". I think
it's bigger than that. I'm wondering if it keeps getting bigger to
where it gets to the point where The Act is simply a way of being
that keeps me from being who I want to be. Not needing anybody and
being painless and perfect is definitely in it. Does the quest keep
me from being who I want to be?

I'm going back to being Fun.

Love
Joe

P.S. I'm going to re-read the book called Illusions by Richard Bach.
From what I remember of it, I think it will knock my socks off again.

Stalking My Act, Part 1

Stalking My Act
March 5, 2005 (Landmark Advanced Course, Day 3,
Washington, D.C.)

I thought my act was "I don't trust you". To get my act I spent
about 4 hours writing down things others and I have said about me. I
thought a lot and talked a lot on the phone with my wife Judi and my
friend Glenn to try and find the act. Judi came up with "I don't
trust you". I would NEVER have gotten that by myself. The path to
this came from a comment I made in Hannah's and Joy's listening. It
was in the lunchroom at 9:30 on Thursday morning (day 1 of the
Advanced Course) before our smaller groups were randomly formed.
Hannah was talking about how all her late-20s single women friends
are rushing to get married. In response to this:
A. I wanted to "fix" her because I heard a complaint in her sharing
B. I wanted to be funny at her expense (I've created that being funny
is usually not fun)
C. I wanted to grab attention for myself
I told her this "real story" I had heard:
"If a woman gets to be over 30 and never married, it's more likely
that she will get struck by lightning than get married".
Right after I said this we went into the first session of the
Advanced Course.

For the session she had taken a seat at the opposite end of the room,
FAR AWAY FROM ME for the session. At the break after that session,
she sought me out because my comment caused her to have such a strong
reaction to flee (helped her get her act). We shared several long and
fascinating conversations and created the possibility of being
friends. In case you don't remember Hannah, she is the tall,
absolutely striking, young, blonde woman in our Advanced Course. She
ended up being the leader of my group (completely by chance). In my
world, until that day, tall, striking women were "shallow, uncapable,
unintelligent beings who used their looks to get what they want".
Hannah blows me away with her openness, intelligence, and insight and
caring. I remember being amazed that she could reach out to me and
care about me since I was being a fat, old, bald, unfunny guy at the
time. This behavior was definitely very unshallow of her. As the
weekend passed, I found myself "trusting her" and "having a
relationship with her". For the me that existed before the weekend,
this was an unhittable ball. This is the second time something like
this has happened to me. The first time was when I met my wife
Judi. It's a good story. More on that later...

I spent Saturday (day 3) wondering why the act "I don't trust you"
had exceptions. We learned that day that the act is consistent when
you're in it, and there are no exceptions. I could name a few people
I trust: Judi my wife, my mom, my friends Glenn and Bob. I reasoned
if this really was my act, and I was in it, there should be no
exceptions. I called Glenn and asked him if in the last 20 years, if
he had ever gotten "I don't trust you". He said "no, absolutely not"
and we spent some time trying to figure it out.

I woke up Sunday morning (day 4) and it just came to me: The act I
was being was "I don't need you". Here's how I know the act is "I
don't need you". After I got this, I was driving to church Sunday
morning (day 4). I thought of something that happened to me 20 years
ago. I was in a relationship with a woman named Linda. It was going
great with her. We had fun, we liked each other, and things were
going well. One day she looked at me and she said, "I need you". I
heard "hey, you're on fire, how about if I pour some gasoline on
you?" The picture of my reaction is me running away screaming. The
size of the reaction seems to be related to closeness to the act.

Do you know how else I know? After church, I was sitting in my car
in the Four Seasons Diner parking lot talking to my wife about this.
I said to her "Hey, I got it! It's not "I don't trust you, it's I
don't need you!" (Which caused lots of problems later because every
time I say that to her, I create it for her). After the call, I was
happy I knew my act. I went into the diner, hung my coat on a chair
and went into the Men's room. I was sitting on the toilet and I
noticed the song playing on the sound system was "Going out of my
head over you". If you're not familiar, you can go to this link and
get the song here: http://www.kbapps.com/lyrics/top50/35going.html.
I started laughing hysterically until I was crying in the men's room,
by myself, for no apparent reason...

Later that morning, I was walking to my car to get a turkey sandwich
out of the trunk while I was listening to my voicemails. I got one
from Judi. She said, "Ok, if your act is 'I don't need you' then how
would it work out if my act is 'I need you to need me' "? Again, I
started laughing hysterically. Our acts were compatible. So twice
in one day, I laughed hysterically about something that really
happened. This hadn't happened for at least 7 years. My life was
really fun and effortless when I met Judi and I'm still wondering how
I was able to put my act aside during our courtship and wedding. This
fun life helped me get "The new possibility I'm creating for myself
is being fun". My group helped me get this, but that's another
story...

The impact of this act on my life is I've spent my life not needing
anybody. It's been lonely, powerless and miserable. I almost raised
my son the same way my dad raised me. Eve's sharing gave me "having
no conflict results in a shallow life devoid of joy". I know now
that by having relationships with people I can have joy in my life.
She's in my group too. She too is a striking and awesome young woman
who helps make my life complete. Everybody that got up and shared
helped me get my act. Those people are all real to me and I need
them to be complete.

Getting this act was HARD. By not sharing myself I don't exist to
anyone. I was on the court for the whole Advanced Course working
really hard. One of my strong suits is I'm really good at solving
problems. In spite of these things, it was still really hard to
get. Then, when I thought I had it with "I don't trust you", I
thought I had it, but I didn't.

I want to honor my wife Judi, my friend Glenn, Hannah, Joy, Eve, Jae
and everybody else who helped me win the Advanced Course by sharing
and becoming real to me. I still wonder if "I don't need you" is
really it. I wonder why it just came to me. It seems too easy. So,
if you see my act, let me know. Stay tuned for "Stalking My Act
II"...

What the bleep do we know?

Interesting Landmarkish kind of movie. I rented it on netflix. Worth
viewing...
Joefun

http://www.whatthebleep.com/

http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=70011191

My enrollee caught my act

My act is "I don't need you". I enrolled the whole group of guys I
work with at lunch today. AS SOON AS WE GOT BACK TO THE OFFICE FROM
LUNCH, I was sitting at my desk. I asked the guy next to me a
question and he said "I don't know". The guy on the other side of
the partition yelled the answer and I ignored him (working very hard
on trying to figure it out myself). He stood up and said "Are you
ignoring me because you don't need me?". I was blown away. This is
the power of enrollment for me. My group of enrollees can catch my
act. They can also remind me that I am the possibility of Fun!
Cheers,
Joe

There's a thing on my face (a poem)

I just woke up and there's a thing on my face.
In order to breathe I have to brace.
It compels me to be and I can't see.
I say to myself, "here's a possiblity".

This thing is a story, it comes from the past.
It makes my neck hurt and moves me to act fast.
It's a complaint and it's not real.
It makes me suffer and makes me tougher.

My thing is a chair I speak into being.
I carry it around so I can see it's style.
Next, I'll create a possiblity...
Hey, I'm free of that thing now.

Unhittable ball #1 (called my ex-wife)

I called my ex-wife Audrie today.

This was an unhittable ball for me. It's not that I couldn't hit
it. I could hit it if I wanted to. I just didn't want to...

She doesn't blame me and she doesn't hate me.

She and her husband Herve suffered with credit problems because of
the "we transferred our mortgage to my cousin John and he defaulted"
story. For some reason, this didn't seem to affect my credit
report. (opening for me: get a copy of my credit report from the 3
different credit report companies...)

Audrie really likes my mom and really liked my Gram. When I called
her and left a message that I wanted to talk, she had her mom check
the obits and call Beinhaur's Funeral Home because she thought my mom
had died.

She works for TGIF. This is funny...

One of her strong suits is she has a memory like a video recorder.
She told me about the time when I worked 72 hours to get a project
done.

I'm glad I called, and I don't have to carry around a story about her.

It seems every time one of these conversations happens, it opens up
new possibilities for relationships with even more people in addition
to that person. Or it opens up possibilities for new opportunities
for me.

After sharing with her, I began to see all of the good times I had
during the time when I was with her (including fun times that didn't
have anything to do with her). Carrying this thing around all these
years probably had a lot to do with my lack of joy.

Her cousin owns a software company...

The Possibility of Fun (Joe)

What goes up...

Hi Guys,

The act I'm giving up is "I don't need you". I've had it for a long time. So, for a long time, I haven't had big ups and big downs (like Eve). I've had "arms distance" relationships and didn't have to deal with downs. I had a very even temperment. So, I've been "up" all week and now I'm down... This sucks... Does anybody know how to get "up" again?

I need you.

Joe